Pretzel Logic Music

This happened quite a few years ago but I didn’t reminisce it til tonight.
We did a gig with Raie in a desecrated church in Camden Town. It was a 50th birthday but there was also quite a few alternative culture events going on and the whole place was fun and full of lights, confetti and colourful people just having the best time.

We play our gig and everyone (there must have been like 200 people in there) is enjoying it. We say goodnight and the DJ starts their set. As I said, peeps there were very colourful and many showed up in fancy dress.

This specific gay guy was dressed as a unicorn, that is if unicorns wear heavy make up, two thin chiffon veils and a thong.
Anyway. He’s obviously interested in me (I’m not some sort of erotomaniac, my band mates noticed too). He was following me everywhere and doing a seductive dance at me with his massive plastic horn (it was on his head)
I took that as a big compliment, dude had a rocking body and was drop dead gorgeous, but in the end I had to disappear from him because 1) I have a family and 2) I’m not into sword fighting, let’s say.

You’d think that was awkward enough but the best is truly yet to come.

This very tall girl all dressed in black whom I think was one of the organisers, came to us and declared I KID YOU NOT “now we are all doing a 15 minute session of non – sexual cuddling”. My brain just had the time to absorb all of those words (that very probably have never found themselves in the same sentence) when the lights go down, the music becomes soft and 200 people all lie on the floor, hugging each other.

Not wanting to be a judgemental old fart, I lied on the floor, next to one of my band mates and the girl dressed in black, trying to be cool and not touch anybody in an inappropriate way.
The first thirty seconds were alright, all I had to do is mentally remind myself that it’s all good and we live in a progressive society and that’s all normal, but really all that happened is that my brain kept on screaming “DON’T MOVE, THIS IS NOT SEXUAL, I KNOW IT’S WEIRD BUT WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH”

Unfortunately, as it turned out, the girl A ) had enormous breasts and B ) she lied down in such a way that they were pressing against my right shoulder. She obviously did not mean for it to happen in a sensual way, but that was more than enough for my brain to go into a massive cognitive short circuit. My body froze instantaneously and my brain just let me know that there was no way we could have lasted 14 more super awkward minutes.

Now imagine that you’re in a church, low lights, New Age music, there’s 200 people on the floor doing a non sexual cuddling session (because that’s absolutely normal) and you see this one guy (me) getting up and swiftly fleeing the scene.

I did not have the guts to get back inside after that and went back home. I never had the chance to do a second non sexual cuddling session after that but I’d probably decline anyway